by Sean Christensen
I am learning to listen. In December a young man named Rony, one of my students from the Bible College where I teach in Haiti, came to me to seek my advice on some life issues. Being a pastor as well as a professor, I listened to his problems and sought to understand his questions before I took my turn to give him the answers he needed. I proceeded to diagnose his situation, explain the tendencies of his personality and how he can resolve his problems. I thought I had offered him some sound biblical advice and that if he would follow it, he would do well. He, in turn, was thankful to have an older man listen to him and give him some guidance. He said that is difficult to find in Haiti.
A month later, at Steve Miller’s invitation, I joined some other World Teamers in Atlanta for a weekend workshop on coaching by Myles Lorenzen and Steve. I soon realized that what I had considered to be a very successful mentoring session with Rony had more to do with me, the expert, tutoring my pupil than it did truly listening, probing and empowering him to find the best answers. The main points I took away from that weekend were:
1. Ask lots of open-ended questions.
2. Find out what the person wants to get out your time together.
3. Ask more open-ended questions to help the coachee discover their own
solutions.
Armed with these new skills, I couldn’t wait to get back to Haiti and meet with Rony again. A few weeks later he asked if we could meet at my office. This time it was different, and better. He came in discouraged about some specific dilemmas he was facing and was looking for guidance. But for me, instead of trying to draw on my limited experience in Haiti, I just kept asking him questions and probing more about his own questions and the possible solutions and resources that he could think of. In the end, we traced out the advantages and disadvantages of the two options he faced and I didn’t tell him what he should do! He had come into my office despondent and he left feeling empowered, with clarity and a sense of value. After all, he’s the one that evaluated his options and came up with the possible solutions. Not me! But like a good coach, I helped him realize his potential.
Rony and I have met once more since then with similar results. He’s a young man who is learning how to be responsible. I can see how these coaching techniques are helping him sort through what he already knows and it’s helping him to make better sense of the decisions he is facing. It’s not that I’m never going to give him advice again or never give him information that he needs. The difference is that I recognize God has placed a lot in Rony already and that in his life decisions, he knows a whole lot more about his situation than I do. He doesn’t need an expert, he needs someone who can help him sort through what he already knows, help him to ask good questions and who will cheer him on in his growth as a man of God.
I am finding that coaching is yet another way to apply James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” I am learning to listen.
