Coaching Through Listening

by Sean Christensen

I am learning to listen.  In December a young man named Rony, one of my students from the Bible College where I teach in Haiti, came to me to seek my advice on some life issues.  Being a pastor as well as a professor, I listened to his problems and sought to understand his questions before I took my turn to give him the answers he needed.  I proceeded to diagnose his situation, explain the tendencies of his personality and how he can resolve his problems.  I thought I had offered him some sound biblical advice and that if he would follow it, he would do well.  He, in turn, was thankful to have an older man listen to him and give him some guidance.  He said that is difficult to find in Haiti.

A month later, at Steve Miller’s invitation, I joined some other World Teamers in Atlanta for a weekend workshop on coaching by Myles Lorenzen and Steve.  I soon realized that what I had considered to be a very successful mentoring session with Rony had more to do with me, the expert, tutoring my pupil than it did truly listening, probing and empowering him to find the best answers.  The main points I took away from that weekend were:

   1.  Ask lots of open-ended questions.
   2.  Find out what the person wants to get out your time together.
   3.  Ask more open-ended questions to help the coachee discover their own
        solutions.

Armed with these new skills, I couldn’t wait to get back to Haiti and meet with Rony again.  A few weeks later he asked if we could meet at my office.  This time it was different, and better.  He came in discouraged about some specific dilemmas he was facing and was looking for guidance.  But for me, instead of trying to draw on my limited experience in Haiti, I just kept asking him questions and probing more about his own questions and the possible solutions and resources that he could think of.  In the end, we traced out the advantages and disadvantages of the two options he faced and I didn’t tell him what he should do!  He had come into my office despondent and he left feeling empowered, with clarity and a sense of value.  After all, he’s the one that evaluated his options and came up with the possible solutions.  Not me!  But like a good coach, I helped him realize his potential.

Rony and I have met once more since then with similar results.  He’s a young man who is learning how to be responsible.  I can see how these coaching techniques are helping him sort through what he already knows and it’s helping him to make better sense of the decisions he is facing.  It’s not that I’m never going to give him advice again or never give him information that he needs.  The difference is that I recognize God has placed a lot in Rony already and that in his life decisions, he knows a whole lot more about his situation than I do.  He doesn’t need an expert, he needs someone who can help him sort through what he already knows, help him to ask good questions and who will cheer him on in his growth as a man of God.

I am finding that coaching is yet another way to apply James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  I am learning to listen.

Three Things in the next Three Months…Three Months Later

by Karry

Yesterday I went to the barber shop for a long-delayed haircut.  I always wait longer than I should.  Usually, I finally go when a deadline has arrived that requires it.

Yesterday, I had to get a haircut because today I left for meetings in Pennsylvania.

I went to the same SportsClips I always go to.  If you haven't been to one, they're a guys dream.  Everything is decorated for sports.  Ours has the colors of the local High School team where our three sons played football.  The barbershop stalls are set up like an athletic locker room.  There are TVs everywhere tuned to ESPN Sports Center.  When you sit down, they turn the chair so you can see the screen.  The pain of a haircut disappears.

Typically, I break the ice by asking the girl cutting my hair whether she actually likes sports.  It's always girls at SportsClips.  I haven't met one yet who really likes sports, but they normally do decent haircuts.

Yesterday, however, was not going to be typical.  I could tell when I opened the door and saw Harley.  I saw her at the counter.  The gel-laden hair on top of her head shot straight up, then bent back and vaulted down her back like a frozen waterfall.  The hair on the right side of her head was shaved to the scalp, and on the left side it was combed straight back like it was riding a motorcycle.  She was tattooed all the way up her left arm to her shoulder and beyond that I couldn't tell.  I didn't look closely before I got into the chair but the tattoos were mythical characters.  I noticed that, despite her dramatic appearance, she seemed indecisive, even insecure.

I started thinking about Shema statements.  And I scanned my brain for things I might be able to affirm about her if we got into a conversation about the Lord.  Right away, she said people at her church are always surprised by her name.  I grinned when I heard that.  This was going to be easy.  She goes to church!

"So, what church do you go to?"

"The Mother Earth Church in Escondido."

"Oh."

She was Wiccan.  I won't go into all details, though it would probably be interesting to you if you have never had that kind of conversation.  I learned a lot about their beliefs.  Suffice it to say, I did find something to affirm her for.  She said one of the things she doesn't like about the Bible and Christianity is the way it has oppressed women.  She said their church rejects meanness of every kind.  I read between the lines a story of abuse.

I told her I thought she was onto something there because the Bible teaches us to love others sacrificially, and that especially husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church, not oppress them.  I also was able to say a Shema saying to her. I said, "I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I believe the Bible is God's word and it is all true.  Do you find it confusing at times trying to figure out which parts to believe?" 

She admitted she was often confused.  To me, she seemed just as confused as her hairdo.  As I paid her, she thanked me and said she had really enjoyed our conversation.  I did get the feeling her spirits had been lifted.

No, not those spirits.  The metaphorical ones.

Anyway.  At the end of LEAD I wrote out three things I was going to try to do in the next three months.  It's been a bit over three months now.  One of the three was, "Ask engaging questions every day looking for God's kingdom value in people."  I find myself doing that frequently, like I did with Harley.  It's actually a lot of fun.

Another action step I wrote was, "Consider church planting options when selecting a new house."  We are planning to move, but we haven't begun the house search yet.  So I haven't started on this one yet.  But when we do, we still are going to look for ways to be involved in a church plant.

The third thing we wrote down was that we wanted to start a DBS with our friends Ken and Shiela.  As it turns out, our other friends Patsy and Craig have been asking for something like that so we have made the offer.  Of course, they want us to teach them.  We are still waiting for them to go for the idea of studying the Bible with a group of their friends.

That is where I am at on my three things I was going to try in the next three months.  I'd like to hear your story.  I'm going to ask a few of you to write up your story in the next few weeks.

By the way, when I got up from my barbershop chair and looked in the mirror,  my hair was standing straight up wildly helter-skelter like hers.   I looked scary crazy and taller.  It was matted into position with gel.  Really.

DBS

DBS.  No, that doesn't stand for "Daily Vacation Bible School" like I at first thought.  But then, we all have moved way beyond that.

Kevin King's explanation of the Discovery Bible Study method at our LEAD meetings was eye-opening for a lot of us.  In fact, on the last day when we all wrote down three things we each committed to try during the next three months, most of us said they were going to try to start a DBS.  I'm excited to see what comes of that.

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but in October when I visited CityTeam headquarters in San Jose, Calif. I met a guy named Ricardo Pineda.  I am a Ricardo Pineda fan.  A few years ago, Ricardo started his first house church using the DBS method.  He is Hondureño if I remember right, though that detail probably isn't important.  He started his DBS among Spanish speaking immigrants in the San Jose area.  In just a few years, that first house church grew from one to more than 300 in at least four countries.  Chris Wassell took this photo of Ricardo and me with the graphic of his burgeoning house-church network on the wall behind us.

 One thing that strikes me about Ricardo's ministry, and about Kevin's explanation of the DBS method, is the focus on developing leaders.  The key role of the Christian worker, of the missionary in our way of thinking, is facilitating and developing leaders.  Ricardo doesn't lead very many of the 300+ house churches that have been started.  But he spends lots of time mentoring and developing and facilitating leaders.

Let me know how things are going with your efforts to start a DBS.  I'm excited to hear what happens next.

I'm attaching a copy of one of the documents Kevin shared with us.  It's a short outline on facilitating a DBS.  And remember, Kevin and Chris have more resources for us.  Don't hesitate to ask them for help as your DBS gets going.

Karry

Discovery Bible Study Facilitation.doc